


Shapeshifters

by theultimatenerd04



Category: Original Work
Genre: Alternate Universe - Shapeshifters, Bisexuality, Gay Male Character, Gen, Gender Dysphoria, Gender Identity, Gender Issues, Gender-Neutral Pronouns, Genderfluid, Genderfluid Character, Homophobia, Homophobic Language, LGBTQ Character, LGBTQ Female Character, LGBTQ Themes, NaNoWriMo, Non-binary character, Trans Character, Trans Female Character, Trans Male Character, Transphobia, WIP, first draft, gender euphoria, unedited - beware
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-11-17
Updated: 2021-02-01
Packaged: 2021-03-09 19:29:10
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 8
Words: 12,946
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27581399
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/theultimatenerd04/pseuds/theultimatenerd04
Summary: In a world that is overrun by humans, shapeshifters hide in a secret world, hidden from all who should wish them harm. There are strict rules to keep it that way but there are always those who rebel.Cal is a shapeshifter. They are also genderfluid. Through changing their gender expression whenever they feel like it, they flout the laws that keep their world safe. Cal is protected from punishment by their parents but when their parents go missing and are later found dead, Cal needs to escape into the unknown world of the humans in order to remain free.Lost in a world not their own, can Cal find a way to survive when everything they have ever known is lost? They will make new friends and new enemies and along the way, discover a plot that threatens to destroy their home. Does Cal have the strength to return home in order to save their old world?
Kudos: 1





	1. Prologue

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Apologise for uploading this after the 1st two chapters, I'm not the best at writing things in order but better late than never am I right?
> 
> Also: TW for gender dysphoria

It was sudden, the first time it happened. An innocent remark from my parents triggered it. I would have only been 4 years old, maybe 5. I remember it clearly.

I was creeping down the stairs when I heard it. All of a sudden my skin tightened, clinging to my body. It was claustrophobic, suffocating me. 

This wasn’t me.

I didn’t know what was going on other than I felt wrong. It was nothing I had ever felt before. I was hyperaware of everything. There were curves in the wrong places, everything felt heavy, wrong. 

This wasn’t me. 

“Cal? Are you alright?”

My head jerked up like I had been shocked by a torrent of ice cold water. I nodded but cringed, my chest tightening as my body moved. Everything felt wrong, what was going on, was there something wrong with me, why had it started now, what could I do… 

My mother started talking at me and eventually my mind was steered away from my previous panic. 

But I was reminded when I hopped into the shower, staring at my body in the mirror. Nausea crept up my throat and I leant over the toilet and vomited, my body heaving with the force of it. I sat on the bathroom door, panting, my head resting on my knees, eyes screwed closed. 

This wasn’t me. 

I couldn’t tell you how long I sat there, wishing for something to change. I didn’t know what, I was only 4 but eventually I felt my body shifting. I hesitated before looking down with no small amount of trepidation. My face shifted. I was no longer grimacing. The nausea went away. I was different?

Where my genitals were previously, a blank space of skin stretched. Even today, at age 21, I don’t have the words to describe the feeling of ultimate relief that rushed through me. It was like nothing I had ever felt before and like nothing I have ever felt since. 

I sat on the cold floor for a few minutes, bathing in this new feeling until I took a deep breath. A strange feeling of curiously took over me. I concentrated on turning my body back to what it was originally and when I felt it do so, I looked down, almost expecting the feeling of revulsion that came over me. I still didn’t have the words for what was happening to me but at least now I knew how to make it go away. 

It was only when I walked downstairs to my dad’s greeting of “There’s my little girl.” and the same feeling of self-disgust and hatred washed over me that the dots connected in my 4 year old brain. 

“Dad. I’m not a girl.”

My dad tilted his head. “Of course you are, Cal. What do you mean?”

“I’m not a girl.” I repeated. It was so simple in my head, I couldn’t understand why he didn’t seem to immediately get it. 

“Are you a boy?” My mother asked.

I rolled the words over myself. It didn’t release the same emotions anything feminine seem to do but it didn’t feel right either. I shook my head. 

“Not a girl. Not a boy. Just me. Just Cal.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I lowkey regret writing a genderfluid character now because writing this seriously triggered my dysphoria but oh well. I just hope that this will add to the seriously lacking representation of non-binary characters. 
> 
> Thanks for reading, have a nice day/night and stay safe everyone!


	2. Chapter One

The flashing lights and loud noises were unlike anything I had ever seen before. Flat houses stacked on top of each other rose from the ground, going so high I had to crane my head to see the top. My eyes darted around the town? village? I wasn't sure what to call it. People shoved past me, not bothering to apologise and I shook my head. Perhaps that was one thing that the elders were right about. It did seem like these people were the uncivilised, barbarians of the stories. I stopped and lent against a glass wall, content to just watch. I needed to gain more knowledge about this world.

Originally I was willing to give these strangers the benefit of the doubt. Perhaps they didn't apologise for bumping into me because I was a stranger. I most likely would have done the same thing. But as I watched them walk up and down the gaps between the stacked houses, they did the same thing to each other. Surely these people knew it was rude not to apologise when inconveniencing someone else? I took a deep breath in. This strange world was to be my home for the foreseeable future. If it was a part of these people's culture to forsake all manners for efficency then I would have to accept that. I needed to blend in, to become one with the strangers.

\---

"Do you have any money to spare?"

My head whipped around to see an older lady sitting on the sidewalk, holding her wrinkled hands towards me. Almost unconsciously, my hand reached out to run the back of my shorn hair, eyes narrowing in confusion. "I-I'm sorry, I don't..."

I walked away as quickly as I could, moving through the crowded gaps. I kept my head down, hoping to ward away any more conversation and strode through as quickly as I could. I didn't know how far the other side of the town was, but I needed to get there, away from the constant noise and chaos. Lifting my head, I looked around for anything that might tell me where to go.

My stomach rumbled and I looked down, placing a dirt laden hand on my ripped shirt. I hadn't eaten since before my escape and I winced as I walked past a large house with gleaming windows. The roof was adorned with a large, yellow M and the smell that drifted out was divine to my half-starved body. Maybe whoever lived there would be nice enough to provide me with some sustenance. From the interactions I had seen earlier, I doubted it but it was worth a try.

I pushed open the door and walked inside. The sight that was revealed to me was like nothing I had ever seen. People were seated on tables scattered around the floor and there was a long table, rather like a kitchen table but long lines of people stretched down the house. They were waiting for something it seemed. My head was tilted to the side, mouth slightly open and I turned around, wondering if I should leave this strange environment. Just as I was about to, a young lady walked up to me.

"Hello and welcome to McDonalds! Just go up to the counter to order and your food with be with you in a jiffy."

I nodded having understood only a few words of her cheerful two line speech. Food at the counter. I could do that. I walked over to one of the lines, standing behind the last person. Perspiration dripped down my forehead and I pushed a shaking hand through my short hair, unused to its coarseness. A man in front of me grabbed a bottle of water and I licked my lips, conscious of my sudden dry mouth. A chill ran down my back and I curled my spine.

All I wanted was to get food and get out. I wasn't prepared for these strange people, strange customs, strange everything. It was overwhelming and for the first time since arriving there, I wanted to go home.

"Hello, what would you like to order today?"

My head jerked up from where I had been staring at my worn shoes.

"Order? What do you mean?" My eyes moved around frantically. Maybe I could still leave.

"What do you want to eat?" The man behind the counter rephrased himself with a sigh.  
"Um..."

Another sigh. "Look at the menu above you."

I looked up, noticing the large screen for the first time. It kept changing, almost too fast for me to read but I managed to catch the name of one item. A Happy Meal. Happiness is generally thought of to be a good thing, unless this world was more backwards than I thought so it can't be a bad thing to have.

"Uh I'll have a Happy Meal please."

The server shot me a strange look, his eyes searching my face and my body. I curled further in on myself, resisting the strong urge to change skins, to look anyway but this.

"With a cheese burger?"

I nodded, not knowing what else to do. I just wanted some food. Why was that so hard?

The man touched the machine in front of him a few times before holding a hand towards me. "That will be 5 dollars and 50 cents." He said.

My heart stopped and then resumed, pounding against my chest at least twice it's usual rate. "I...I don't..."

The man sighed again, taking another look at my worn and tattered clothing. I hadn't washed since I left home and I was sure it showed. He rolled his eyes, handing me a small piece of paper.

"Whatever. When the number on the receipt is called, come up and collect your food. Don't loose it."

My eyebrows furrowed as I took in these strange new instructions. Nothing ever seemed simple here. I moved over to a cluster of people who all seemed to be hovering near another counter. Observing seemed to be the best way to adhere to the customs here that were so familiar to these people but so foreign to me.

It took 10 minutes but finally my number was called and I approached the person who yelled it out. She was standing at the counter, a deep frown carved into her face.

"Here." She said, shoving a bag at my chest.

I nodded quickly, grabbing the bag before moving away. My heart was still thumping against my ribcage, trying to jump out of my chest. I ducked my head again, barreling towards the door. I didn't care about social niceties anymore, my mind was focused on one thing only - getting out of this place and finding somewhere to eat.

\---

It didn't take me long to find a park where I could eat. In my haste, I ended up sitting on a pile of bird poo but I only rolled my eyes at the annoyance as I moved a little over on the bench. My clothes were already ruined, a spot of poo wouldn't hurt them.

I paused before ripping through the paper wrappings and tilted my head to the darkening sky.

Great Goddess, may you exist in prosperity for the rest of your days. I offer you a portion of food to sustain you as you work to better our world and I thank you for the work you have done for us.

The moon wasn't visible yet but I felt secure in the knowledge that my Goddess was watching over me.

Not wanting to wait any longer, I dug in. As hungry as I was, it didn't take me long to finish my meal and I sat back, content with my full stomach. The birds chirped as they fluttered through the trees and I watched them, trying to determine if they were the same breed as the ones back home. I shook my head viciously. That place was no longer my home. I had made my decision. I could never go back.

A loud honking noise brought me out of my thoughts and I turned my head to the road but everything seemed the same as before. With a mental shrug, I turned back to face the park. The only thing that seemed to be the same as my old town was nature and I took comfort in that thought. Where ever nature was, my Goddess was also and that meant that I was never alone. A warmth filled my chest at the thought and a smile slid across my face.

This exhausting day was almost at a close and as I stood up, the weight of my tiredness hit me. I needed to find some place safe to sleep before the sun set fully and I was without light. Almost as soon as that thought passed through my mind, tiny balls of light popped on in front of me and I turned around, my mouth open in awe. They were appearing everywhere I looked, floating in the area, supported by nothing. I walked closer and my mouth closed. They weren't floating, rather being held up by a metal pole. I was fascinated but not nearly as in awe as I was when I believed them to be floating.

Continuing down the road, I looked around for anywhere that might let me stay for the night but then I remembered. I had no money and if I did, no idea how this place's currency worked. I heaved a sigh as I realised that tonight I would have to sleep on a bench or some other unpleasant surface. Tomorrow I would have to find some way to figure out the nuances of this world otherwise I would be walking around in a perpetual state of confusion until kingdom come.

A thumping noise, loud enough to make me feel like the ground beneath me was shaking was echoing out from one of the buildings. Curiosity abounding, I stopped in the middle of the path, trying to figure out where it was coming from. A man bumped into me, spitting a foreign word in my direction before continuing on his way. I looked around. I wanted to know where the music was coming from but there were too many people for me to change.

I darted into a side alley, looking back towards the street to make sure no one had followed me. I doubted anyone would and these people didn't seem like the type to glance down a deserted alley randomly. Concern sated, I took a deep breath before carefully visualising a small microbat. They were a species that had much better hearing than the average human and hopefully were small enough that I could fly around without having to worry about whether or not the animals were native.

Flapping my wings, I took flight, heading towards where I had thought the music was coming from. As I approached, the increasing loud noise caused me to fly a little higher. While loud noises didn't hurt bats' hearing, the sensory overload certainly hurt my very human brain.

As soon as I had pinpointed the rough direction of the building, I descended, landing in another alley to change back to my human form. I was out of practise with my animal shifts but I managed it, only forgetting to change back my ears which was rectified with a quick bit of concentration.

I wandered back onto what seemed to be the main road, running all the way through the large town, before turning off onto a side street I had identified earlier. It was down this street that the music was loudest, thumping through my bones, filling me with a burst of nostalgia coupled with a childish sense of delight. It had been too long since I'd last heard music like this.

A large sign boasting the name 'Escaped Changeling Bar' hung out the front, decorated with an image of two dancing women. It was open and I stepped through, feeling like I had taken yet another stop into the unknown.

The hallway was deserted as I walked down and I wasn't sure what would have made me uneasier, the quiet or if the place had been bustling like the last establishment I had set foot in. The hallway ended about 10 meters further and I emerged in a bustling room, filled with clustered tables. Another long counter ran down the opposite wall, and again there were people behind it serving the people lined up. It must be a common custom here.

Not wanting to socialise and comfortable just observing for the time being, I slid into one of the seats lining the counter, jumping as someone sat next to me.


	3. Chapter Two

"Haven't see you here before. You new?"

My bewildered eyes settled on the woman sitting next to me and I briefly glanced around, looking for someone else she could be talking to.

"No, you dummy. I'm talking to you."

Confused and reluctantly, I looked back at her. I didn't know why she was talking to me but more importantly I didn't want a conversation.

She continued looking at me for a second, unease prickling under my skin. What did she want?

"Ah so you're one of those. Well if you don't want to chat then that's up to you. I'm going to get a drink."

I watched her beckon over one of the attendants behind the counter with an air of curiosity and bewilderment before turning around to survey the rest of this foreign place.

Flashing lights moved around the floor, illuminating the large, open room. People crowded around the centre, the area where a majority of the lights were trained on. The din created by people shouting across the room was constant and I watched with amazement. Nothing like this had ever existed at home.

Loud cheering rose up around me and I looked around, trying to see what all the fuss was about. A tall woman walked towards a raised area of the floor that I hadn't noticed before and stood tall, facing the audience. She brought a stick up to her face and opened her mouth, beginning to sing.

She had a loud voice, louder than what I thought possible but what shocked me was her voice. It was the voice of a male. She (he?) walked up and down the stage with a grace that astounded me. They had an air of confidence surrounding them and I watched them bend down to blow kisses out to the audience. My eyes scanned their body, looking for any noticeable features but I stopped and felt heat brush over my cheekbones as the girl next to me spoke.

"Amazing voice, isn't he?"

I turned around to see her eyes trained on the performer. "He? I thought..." I trailed off as I suddenly realised how the end of the sentence sounded and ducked my head. A band tightened around my chest, constricting my breathing and I struggled to take deep breaths. I should have known better than to ask that. I should have been more careful. I couldn't forget myself.

A laugh erupted from the girl and I gave a tight smile, hands playing with the ripped hem of my shirt. The anxiety had lessen a little but it was still buzzing under my skin, screaming at me to change and flee. Flee to a place where no one could find me.

"Nah, Thomas identifies as male but he enjoys dressing up in stereotypically female clothing when he performs. Apparently it helps with stage fright." She gave a shrug, turning to grin at me.

"Identifies...?" I asked tentatively. Again, my lack of knowledge came back to bite me.

"Oh." She laughed again but this one was pitched differently. "I thought...because you were here... Never mind." She took a deep breath. "Ok so, Thomas is cisgender. That means that when he was born, the doctors said he was male because of his genitals. It also means that now, when he's an adult and can make his own decisions, Thomas still sees himself as male. For other people, the gender the doctors give them at birth might not be the same as the one people give themselves when they grow up."

She paused and I nodded, still trying to digest the load of unfamiliar information. The panic that had risen before was calmer now but I could still feel it swirling under my skin, waiting for an excuse to emerge again.

"Sorry, I know that's a lot." A pause and then, "I don't think I caught your name. I'm Lyla and I use she/her pronouns."

She theatrically presented me with hand and I shook it, giving her a warm smile. "My name is Cal."

"What pronouns do you or do you not have a preference?"

I paused, the question catching me off guard. What was I supposed to say? The only people that knew about me were my parents and they always knew what to refer to me as. Were people like me accepted in this world? It certainly seemed more accepting than my old home but I didn't want to take that risk.

"Not sure?" Lyla asked. "I have a friend who doesn't use any. Only answers to their name."

I gave a low hum. "I...I'm not sure."

"That's cool. Just thought I'd ask."

The conversation lulled for a moment, Lyla beckoning over the server and ordering a drink.

"Do you want something?"

All of a sudden, I grew aware of the papery texture of my mouth and I grimaced before shaking my head, sighing quietly. Lyla turned back to the bar tender and I looked back over to what I presumed to be some sort of dance space.

I smiled, looking at all the people having fun moving around the music. My eyes sparkled as the atmosphere washed over me and I let the realisation of what just happened come over me. A giddiness bursted through me, tingling running through my body. I had just made a new friend, my first in this world.

"Listen, I know this may seem abrupt but some of my friends and I hold an LGBT+ support group in on Friday afternoons. You could come tomorrow if you like."

I nodded silently, not knowing what else to do or say but luckily Lyla took my silence as consent. She reached over, grabbing my hand but I tensed up, only just stopping myself from pulling it away.

"Sorry, sorry, I should have asked first." A pale blush spread up her cheeks and I smiled awkwardly, shrugging.

"It is alright." I offered her my hand and she took it, scrawling the address on the outside of my hand.

\---

Walking out of the bar, the address of the support group scrawled onto my hand was the happiest I had felt since I emerged into this world. Emerging into the dark laneway, my eyes widened as I realised how dark it was. None of the glowing lights were on. Everything was dark and silent, a low hum the only sound around.

A chill ran through my spine. My fingers curled up, nails digging into the palms of my hands. I started walking, eyes darting around, looking for any movement. Nothing caught my attention but that didn't mean my paranoia was any less.

I stopped.

To the right of me, a door stood, built into the stone wall backing onto the road. I started at it, eyes narrowed. I could have sworn it wasn't there when I walked down here earlier. My feet carried me closer and I reached out a hand, tracing the elaborate designs etched into the wall. I knew this door. I knew what it was, what it meant for it to be here, now.

For a moment, I stared at it longingly. If I stretched my restrictive human sense of smell, I could almost smell the wet earth, hear my parents laughing... I wretched my hand away. They were gone. They weren't coming back.

With that thought, I turned away and resumed walking, bracing myself against the need to look back. I knew that this would be my last chance to redeem myself, the last chance I had to go back home without...

I shook my head. I denied their offer. There was no point pondering on it further. It would only lead to second guessing and worrying, both things I couldn't afford trying to fend for myself in a new, unfamiliar world.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And here is Chapter 2! I hope y'all liked it, if you did, please drop a comment below and tell me what you thought. If you didn't, drop a comment anyway and tell me what I'm doing wrong. I'm open to any feedback. Also remember to click the kudos button, it only takes a second :)


	4. Chapter Three

The blood red sun rose over the horizon, the light piercing through my eyelids. I groaned, opening my eyes. Pushing myself up from the dewy grass, I stood up and stretched, grimacing as my spine cracked once, twice, three times. Sleeping on the ground did not agree with me. 

I started walking aimlessly. Lyla’s meeting wasn’t until the afternoon so until then I had all the time in the world but nothing to do. 

As I wandered around the city, it was interesting to observe the sleepy city awakening. As the sun continued to rise, more and more people started waking up, hopping in their cars and driving to work. The ever present hum of a working city grew louder, compounded by the beeping of car horns and low murmur of conversation. 

The sun was a candle, slowly lighting up the city, bringing it to life. The inhabitants were bugs, flocking to it’s light and warmth. Without the sun, they wouldn’t survive. I stopped and looked at it for a moment before wincing and shielding my eyes, momentarily forgetting the repercussions of staring into the human’s sun for too long. 

Looking around, I wandered onto what seemed like the main area of the city, a large grassy area boasting a sign saying ‘Orega Mall’. A large doorway, bursting with people coming out and going in was nestled off to the side, against a white washed wall. I stared at it for a moment and then started walking over, my curiosity getting the better of me. 

As soon as I walked through the door, I stopped. Someone behind me cursed loudly and I apologised profusely before moving to the side, a scarlet blush building on my cheeks and hands trembling. Eyes darting around, I pushed myself into a corner, pushing my body to be the smallest it could be. I sniffed again, just to be sure. Yes, there was the smell. A heavy feeling sank in my gut, the tremoring in my hands getting worse. I reached up to grab at my necklace, snatching at empty air. My chest tightened, mind flashing back to the memory banging on it’s doors. 

\---

The smell of baking wafted through the large house and I gave a wan grin as I pulled the cookies out of the oven. 

“Cal, are they ready?”

“Yep!” I yelled back, yelping as I brushed the outside of my hand against the burning hot pan. 

“I’ll be out in a sec.” 

A slightly more sincere smile pushed its way onto my face as a loud bang spread through the house. Erik was notorious for his clumsiness but it never failed to make me laugh, even at a time like this. It took my mind a second to catch up with that thought but when it did, an invisible belt tightened around my ribcage, shortening my breaths. It felt like something was squeezing me, stealing my breaths and refusing to let go. My hands shook, causing me to drop one of the cookies from where I had been attempting to move it to a cooler tray. 

My breath was coming in short, sharp bursts and my whole body shuddered, my mind racing. I sank down to the floor, bringing my knees to my chest as I sat on the flour covered kitchen. The thoughts were like a ticking time bomb, reminding me of all the reasons I had to be scared, to be terrified. I was terrified. 

“Cal? Where are you, kiddo?”

Erik walked into the kitchen and immediately his eyes were trained on me. They were soft, looking at me with sympathy but not pity. If I were in a more stable space of mind, I would have appreciated it but as it was, all I could was look at him. My eyes were dry but not for a lack of emotion. 

“Cal? Oh kiddo.” 

Erik knelt in front of me, eyes soft. “It feels like a ticking time bomb doesn’t it?”

I nodded, not being able to say anything. The belt tightened around my ribcage. I couldn’t breathe, couldn’t think. My breathing accelerated and Erik placed a hand on my knee. I tried to focus all my energy on concentrating on it, remembering what my parents used to tell me whenever this happened. The physical contact helped some and I closed my eyes, trying to ignore everything else.

“Cal, sweetie. Focus on your breathing. Try and go through the five senses. Name three things you can hear, see, taste and feel. Focus.”

I stammered through my answers. 

“Good job. You got this Cal.”

“Thank you mamma.”

A knock on the door sounded, making my head jerk towards the noise. I looked over at Erik, seeing the same petrified expression I was sure was featuring on my own face. 

He looked at me. “We should answer it.”

I nodded but neither of us moved. I didn’t want to know what was behind the door and I knew he felt the same. Sometimes it was better to live in ignorance. The ever present ticking grew louder in my mind, like it had done whenever someone knocked on the door over the past month but somehow this felt different. This wasn’t a false alarm. This was the moment. 

The knock sounded again, louder this time. Silently, Erik pulled himself off the floor, extending a hand to me. I grabbed it, standing up. We moved towards the door, not speaking. I stopped before he could open it, emotion rising from my chest. The silence was fragile. I could have broken it so easily. But I shook my head and Erik pulled open the door. Even if I could speak, I wouldn’t know what to say. There was nothing I could think of that would fit a situation as terrible as this. Nothing at all. 

\---

I was shocked out the memory by what looked like some sort of security guard shaking me. My eyes opened (but when had I closed them) and I gingerly reached up to touch my tear-streaked cheeks.

“Are you alright miss?”

I winced at the gendered term but nodded. He didn’t look anywhere near convinced but slowly walked away, glancing back every few seconds. He stopped on the other side of the hall I was in and turned towards me. He was watching me, probably to make sure I was actually ok but the constant glances in my direction caused me to stand up, head down and start walking again. I made sure to breath through my mouth this time around, lest I be thrown into another memory. 

I kept my head down for the majority of my walk through the mall but 10 minutes later, something caught my eye. A bookshop, a small one compared to any of the other shops located in the vicinity but smaller than any I had known. I walked closer, lifting my head for the first time to look at it closer. As I wandered in, my eyes were darting all around, my panic from before only a tiny tremor in my fingers. I brushed my fingers along the spines of the many books the store was boasting, both fiction and non-fiction. I had never seen this many books in one space. Our government were strict with what we could read, protecting our community from being influenced by the ideas of outsiders but wandering around that small store, all I could think of was the hunger for books, for knowledge that writhed in my gut. 

I stopped for a moment, staring at one of the books on the shelf. The Shapeshifter’s Journal. I remembered seeing it sitting on my father’s bookshelf at home before the men came and took it away. Mother didn’t speak to father for a week after that. I hadn’t realised that…That it was a book from the outside world. They were all supposed to be forbidden. Forbidden and burned. I had just thought…I wasn’t sure what I had thought. I was only 11 at the time but it was 10 years later and still I had the same amount of knowledge about the outside world as I did back then.

That had to change. 

I walked over to the non-fiction section, moving with renewed purpose. Glancing around furtively, I grabbed a book on the history of the world and another one on finance and money. Slipping them into the tattered waste band of my shorts, I pulled the drawstring tight to hold them in place. I walked back towards the fiction section but continued past, entering into an aisle full of dictionaries. There was no one there and I breathed a slight sigh of relief before concentrating. 

When I walked out of the store with my head head high, no one stopping me, I was an elderly man, limping pitifully. I smiled at the young man at the door, saying a quick thank you and he let me walk past without stopping to check me. 

Once I was and a fair distance away, I let out another sigh of relief, stronger this time. I had made it - But there was the security guard from before. I looked down at my dirty and ripped clothing, the same things I had been wearing when he brought me out of that memory. 

Panic flooding my body, I walked to the nearest bathroom as fast as my old, aching bones could carry me. The guard could see me and he would know it was me. He would realise that I had changed from a young person to an old man and he would know. I couldn’t let that happen. It could not happen.

I pushed open the bathroom door, I walking inside. Locking myself inside a stall, I let out a deep breath and I let go of the shift. My plain, pale face stared back at me from the mirror, framed by a short length of wavy hair. My green eyes were tired, surrounded by purpling bags. I winced at my haphazard appearance and turned away, leaving the bathroom. 

When I finally emerged outside after getting completely lost, I glanced upwards and gasped. It was way past midday and I was either already late to the meeting with Lyla and her group or I was about to be.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy New Year!!!! I hope you enjoyed the chapter - I forgot to upload a few so be prepared for spam - and don't forget to drop a kudos and a comment to tell me what I did well/what I can improve on! Have an epic 2021!!!!!


	5. Chapter Four

A series of door lined the street and I stared at it with perplexity before glancing down at my hand. The writing had partially faded so all I could make out was the street name but not the address. I looked up at the row of doors again, debating whether or not I wanted to knock on one and ask if whoever answered knew where I was trying to go. 

Before I could make a decision, a movement caught to corner of my eye and I turned to see a young women walking into a house on the other side of the street. I shrugged internally before making my way across the road. I paused again, before shaking my head once and knocking. The aim of this meeting was to make some new friends so I wouldn’t be so helpless in this new world. I couldn’t do that if I was hesitating with every little decision. 

Footsteps came from within the house, gradually getting closer. The door opened and Lyla appeared, equipped with her seemingly ever-present smile. 

“Cal! You made it!” 

“Yeah.” I tried to reply but Lyla had already turned around and was beckoning me to follow her into the hallway. 

It was a long, narrow thing, with rooms leading off on either side. It was dark and a bit cluttered. I spotted no less than four garden gnomes sitting on the floor.

We emerged from the hallway in a small sitting room cluttered with comfy looking chairs. Lyla dropped into one and I followed suit, presuming that there was no dictated seating arrangement. 

“Hey new person! Did Lyla pick you up at the bar?”

Lyla laughed and I cracked a small grin and nodded. 

“What’s your name?” The same person asked. She was short and had clear, dark skin that I envied along with long, dark hair. 

“I’m Cal.”

“Nice to meet you Cal. I’m Ty and I use they/them pronouns.”

“I also use they/them pronouns I guess.”

Lyla looked at me in surprise but didn’t comment. The confirmation of my pronouns was a spur of the moment thing but when I thought about it, it did feel right. I only wanted to be referred to by female or male pronouns some of time but over the last few days, the gender neutral pronoun just seemed to sit right. 

“Why don’t we do some introduction so Cal knows who each of us are. Obviously you know me, although I should mention that I’m asexual and aromantic.” Lyla paused to smile at me. “So why don’t you introduce yourself.” She gestured to the person sitting next to her. 

“I’m Sienna and I use she/her pronouns.” Sienna paused, brushing her hand over her short hair. “I know I look like a stereotypical boy but I would really appreciate it if you tried to the correct pronouns. I can’t transition yet but that doesn’t mean I’m not a real trans woman.” She finished her introduction a little defensively and I gave an awkward smile and wave. 

The last person hadn’t looked up since I walked in and I was interested in hearing what they had to say. 

“This is Will.” Lyla spoke for him. “He uses he/him pronouns and he’s gay.”

“Hey Will.” I gave another awkward wave, internally cringing at how awkward I must look.

He looked up to give me a slight smile but looked down again, wringing his hands in his lap. Lyla looked down and pulled his hands apart. “Stop that, you don’t want to hurt yourself.”

“What do you identify as, Cal, if you don’t mind me asking?” Sienna asked.

“Oh, um, I’m not sure.” I gave an awkward laugh, reaching up to scratch the back of my neck. “I only just figured out my pronouns.”

“Do you think you’re cisgender?” Ty cut in, leaning forward.

I shook my head. “No I don’t think so.” I opened my mouth to continue but paused. I didn’t know how to continue without giving too much away. 

“Go on.” Lyla smiled at me encouragingly. 

It took me a few seconds to decide how I wanted to say this but eventually I reopened my mouth. “I…This probably sounds stupid but I feel like…liquid. Everything is always shifting, always fluid. Sometimes I feel one way, sometimes another. I don’t know how else to describe it.”

There was a pause amongst the group. They seemed like really nice people but as the silence continued, I could help the anxiety that welled in my gut. This was the first time I had explained this to anyone; my parents had simply known and they hadn't cared. I had learned the hard way that my particular way of thinking about gender wasn’t the most accepted and as the silence remained, the traumatic memory started banging harder on the doors of where I had locked, sequestered away in the corner of my mind, never to be thought of again. 

\---

It was the first day of school and I was nervous. I had picked out my favourite outfit: a blue dress pattered with sunflowers, paired with white sneakers. My short hair was newly cut and in spite of the pre-school nervousness, I felt incredible. 

I walked down the staircase and into the kitchen where my father was preparing breakfast and mother was reading the paper. Mum looked up and smiled at my boisterous grin before her smile wilted as she took in my clothes. 

“Sweetie, are you sure you want to wear that.”

I nodded, confused as to why she was even asking the question. “Of course.” I replied. “This is my favourite dress.”

Dad looked up from where he was flipping pancakes and sighed. “Christine, let Cal wear what she wants. It's her first day of school. She should able to choose what makes her feel comfortable.”

Mum shot him a glance which from experience I knew to mean ‘we will be talking about this later’. Mum sighed, looking at me but all she said was “Just remember you can’t come home and change during the day if you feel like you need to.” 

That was the last thing she said on the subject.

“So are you excited for your first day, Cal?” 

“Yeah!” I said excitedly. Like any five year old, I hated seeing my parents fight, even with the slightest disagreement. 

The conversation continued along that strand until it was time for me to leave. I hopped into the car alongside my father, the previously forgotten nervousness coming back to embrace me.

“You’re going to have a great day kiddo. You know that right?” 

I have him a wan grin and agreed. Somewhere in my five year old heart, I was sure that it would be alright as soon I got there. I just needed to walk through those front doors. 

The car slid to a stop and when I didn’t get out, Dad turned to me. “You’ll do great, Cal.” He repeated. “I went to primary school and I’m still here.” 

At that, I smiled, a real one this time and switched off the lock, sliding out the door. “Wish me luck.” 

I walked up to the iron wrought front gates, almost looking like a meerkat, my head was swivelling around so much. I wanted to take in everything, to see everything but not waste a second by stopping. As I walked through them, my eyes widened as I took in the little groups of children scattered around the grassy area. 

I walked up to one group that looked to be a similar age to me. “Hi, my name’s Cal. Are you guys starting as well?”

One of the boys stood up, staring at me down his noise. His eyes wrinkled in a show of disgust and a terrible feeling arose in my stomach. 

“Why are you talking to us, you freak? Look at what you’re wearing. Why would we ever want to be seen with you?”

\---

I was brought out of the memory by Lyla starting to speak. 

“Have you ever heard of gender fluidity?” 

Her voice was hesitant and I shook my head, trying to discreetly lift a hand to wipe away the streaks of tears that must have appeared when I blacked out. 

“It’s very similar to what you described. One day you feel male, another time you feel female, sometimes one more so than the other and occasionally you feel like nothing at all.” Sienna chipped in. 

I pursed my lips thinking it over. I didn’t trust myself to speak, not after that nightmarish memory, but I nodded again, hoping that would suffice. 

Lyla smiled at me before turning around and engaging Ty in conversation. Sienna was looking at her phone and Will was staring down at his legs so I momentarily tuned out, getting lost in the euphoric feeling of learning this new term.

Gender fluidity. I was gender fluid. Even the words just sat right on my tongue. They settled into me, making a place for themselves in my heart, causing a giddy feeling to arise, spreading throughout my body. For the first time since arriving, my hands were lying still in lap, free from the tremors that had plagued them. All I wanted to do was run into the street and scream in pure, unadulterated delight but I reined myself in, contenting myself to smiling broadly. 

It wasn’t the label itself that was giving me that feeling, instead it was the knowledge that if there was a label, then there were others like me, others who had experienced the same thing, or at least similar. I had spent most of life up until this point thinking I was alone, that my feeling were just some kind of mutation, an accident that was never meant to happen. In this moment, I couldn’t think of a reason why this smile would ever leave my face. 

\---

Before I had realised it, the others were saying their goodbyes and Lyla was standing up, beckoning me to the door.

“Where do you live? I’ll walk you home.” She said, looking over her shoulder to call a goodbye to Ty. 

“Oh I um I live a far way away. You don’t need to…” I trailed off, a dark red flush creeping up my neck. 

“Oh where? I can give you a lift. If it’s that far away you shouldn’t be walking. It’s nearly 8.”

My mind was a whirl of panic as I searched the blank space in my memory of a word, anything that I might have seen wandering that could pass as my imaginary place of residence. 

Lyla’s face softened at the look of panic adorning my face. She opened her mouth, hesitated and my breath caught. Behind my back, my hands started shaking minutely. I grasped one tightly with the other, dread mixed with anticipation building. 

“Do you not have somewhere to live?” The quiet question came. 

I didn’t think it was possible for my mind to churn any faster but with that question, it did. Was there anyway I could work myself out of this corner? My trembling hands started fidgeting with the hem of my t-shirt. I was so caught up in my panicked thoughts that I almost didn’t notice when Lyla started to speak again. 

“It’s alright, you know. As long as you know that you have a supportive group of friends here and it doesn’t matter if your family didn’t support you. That only means that they didn’t appreciate your true self.” She paused for a moment before continuing. “You can stay here if you want, just for a while until you get back on your feet.”

I breathed a sigh of relief as Lyla provided me with the perfect excuse. It was almost too good to be true but all the same guilt flooded through me. Who was I to dirty my parents’ good names. They had been the best parents and the best friends I had ever had and even though they were no longer here and these people Lyla were talking about weren’t anywhere close to experiencing the same things my parents had, the things that had shaped them, it didn’t stop the brief flash of guilt. 

All of a sudden, my mind caught up with the end of her statement. The offer of a place to stay. A home. A rush of thankfulness burst through me and an unbelieving smile made its way onto my face. I didn’t know what to say. What could I say that would properly demonstrate the strength of my emotions. 

My silence broke. “Yes, yes please. Thank you so much. I don’t know what to say.”

She laughed, a delicate tinkling noise that filled the dark house with light. “You don’t need to say anything else. Just know the offer is always there. I have a spare room you can take.”

“Thank you so much.” I repeated the same words over and over again as Lyla showed me around her house, now the house I was going to be staying in. I really didn’t know what else to say to express the pure happiness coursing through me.


	6. Chapter Five

The sun rose over the horizon in a vermilion glare. Its light streamed into my room, illuminating every corner. It was only 5 o’clock but the radio had turned on and was blaring. A bang. Muffled cursing. The radio stopped and the house fell back into a sleepy silence.

I rolled over, not in the mood to get up but not able to go back to sleep either. Pulling open one eye, I squinted through the window. I lay there for the next hour, watching as the neighbours started heading off to work. The remembrance of my completely dependent life bore down on my shoulders but for the moment, I ignored it, preferring to revel in the freedom of having nothing to do, nowhere to be.

Eventually I heard the door bang and I groaned, pushing myself out of bed. I emerged from my room into the empty house. Wandering into the kitchen, my eyes blinked dazedly as I spotted a note sitting on the bench.

Going to work. Feel free to make yourself breakfast :)

My stomach tightened as I stared at the tidy kitchen. Everything looked so pristine and breakable. I didn’t want to touch anything for fear of breaking even the smallest thing. My stomach rumbled and I sighed, pulling open the cupboard door in search of something that looked like it would be breakfast food.

A bright blue colour box jumped out at me and I grabbed it. Large white words spelling decorated the front screaming, “Voted Best Breakfast Food!” I shrugged to myself, pulling it out and pouring it into a bowl. Sitting down, I picked up a piece and put it into my mouth, grimacing at the dry paperiness as it dissolved in my mouth. I rolled my eyes but kept eating. I didn’t want to waste any food, especially since I didn’t know what Lyla’s financial situation was.

Finishing breakfast quickly, I washed up the dishes before ending up standing back in front of the kitchen bench. I stared at the note. ‘Going to work’. I sighed heavily and my shoulders sunk as the lightness of the morning wore away. I needed to find a job. Otherwise… Lyla had been so kind letting me stay, especially since we had only met yesterday. I needed to not rely on her… Get some independence. Otherwise I might have to leave before I had a place on my own. I needed my own home in order to establish my place in this world. I was here now. I wasn’t going back. I needed to lay down my roots, make this place my permanent home. Otherwise leaving was for nothing.

\---

I closed the door behind me and headed out onto the street. I wasn’t sure what I was looking for but I hoped that I would know it when I found it. People were rushing past me, pushing in all directions as I made my way onto the main street. Up ahead, a large tree dominated the skyline, decorated with thick, shiny strings and round hanging objects. It was glowing like the bulbs I had observed the night before, the top adorned with a large, golden star. My mouth hung agape at the sheer enormity of it and I stopped where I stood, craning my head to see it’s full height. 

Someone bumped into me from behind and cursed. I started, beginning to move again now that I was once again conscious of the masses of people shoving their way through the crowd. Shaking my head, I refocused on my task. My eyes scanned the shop fronts and I stopped abruptly, once again disturbing all the people behind me but I didn’t pay them any mind. Brown orbs fixed on a shop on the opposite side, I pushed through the hoards of shoppers, stopping just before the entrance to examine a sign stuck on the glass wall. 

‘Shop assistant wanted. Experience not required. Inquire inside.’

My breathing quickened slightly but I took a deep breath even as my fingers played with the hem of my shirt. My skin prickled as I became ultra conscious of the tattered state of my clothes. I was sure I looked like a wreck and I probably smelled it too, even with a shower. Taking a moment before walking in, I adjusted my shirt, running a quick hand through my choppy hair, trying to make it sit flat. 

I sighed. I was probably looking the best I was going to get. If I got this job, I would definitely have to look into getting some new clothes once I got paid. The door slid open without a sound and I walked in, feet walking near silently across the polished wooden floor. The centre of the store was dominated by a large crystal chandelier and I stared at it for a moment in awe, mind flashing back to a similar one in the Temple of the Goddess at home. It was one of many but I liked to think that my Goddess had the grandest one. 

The sounds of conversation drew me out of my memories and I joined a line in front of what looked to the front desk. There didn’t seem to be anywhere else where you could talk to a staff member so I was willing to bet that this was where I was meant to go. I approached the front of the line and the person tending the desk looked at me skeptically.

“Hi, how can I help you?”

“Um hi, I’m here about the job? I saw the sign in the window.”

She gave a tense smile and nodded, hands reaching through a stack of paperwork. “Do you have a resume.”

The confused look my face sported must have answered the question for me as the girl sighed. 

“Normally I would just send you on your way but we’re always stretched thin at Christmas. We could use all the help we could get. If you’ll wait over there,” She pointed next to the desk. “I’ll call a manager and if there’s one available, they’ll interview you shortly.”

I smiled and nodded, moving to where she had directed me. I hadn’t waited for long when an older man walked up to me. 

“Are you the job applicate?” 

“Yes, sir.”

He winced slightly before saying, “There’s no need to call me sir, this isn’t school. My name is Riley. Come along, we’ll go to the meeting room.”

He turned away before I could nod so I followed him down a flight of stairs to an official looking room, equipped with a large table and spotted with small pott plants. Riley sat down at the head of the table and gestured for me to take a seat next to him.

‘Have you been employed before?” He asked.

I started to shake my head but hesitated. “I helped out my parents with their jobs. I didn’t get paid though so I’m not sure if it counts.”

“What did they do?” He leaned forewards, forehead creased. 

I flushed at the increased attention but answered with only a slight tremor. “They owned a vegetarian food shop.”

“Interesting.” He paused, looking away before reestablishing eye contact momentarily. “What would you say are your greatest strengths?”

My eyebrows furrowed. “Um… I’m stubborn…hardworking and… creative.”

“And what would you say are your greatest weaknesses?”

“Stubborn.” I said, eliciting a laugh from Riley. “And… I suppose I get too caught up on little details.”

Riley nodded, noting something down on a small pad of paper in front of him. 

He only asked a few more questions before looking down at the paper and waving me out. I shook his hand and walked back to the front of the store, utterly uncertain how that interview went.

\---

I pushed open the door to Lyla’s house to hear the sound of banging pots and pans in the kitchen. 

“Hey.” I said, leaning against the doorway.

Lyla turned around, eyes steely. “You left the door unlocked.” Her voice was deathly calm, each syllable spoken independently of the others to maximise impact.

Confusion crept over my face, only serving to enrage her further. 

“This isn’t a good neighbourhood, Cal! You can’t just leave the door open. I thought you would know that… But maybe that’s not why.”

Lyla’s eyebrows were knit together, pulling her whole face into a frown. I took a step backwards, uncertainty piercing my gut. I certainly hadn’t done whatever she was accusing me of but I didn’t know enough about this world to give a good defence. 

“I-I’m sorry.” I said weakly. “I just forgot.”

She shook her head, eyes tightening. “I brought you here because I thought you needed the help, needed a place to stay and a friend. But…” A long sigh pushed through her lips. “I need to know I can trust you. Otherwise you might have to leave.”

Silence rung out after her statement. Hurt stabbed its way through my body. My eyes were wide, staring at her in disbelief. 

Lyla turned back to the kitchen bench, hands reaching for some vegetables and a knife but paused. “Please leave.”

My body froze, heart pounding in my eyes. It was the only sound I could. 

“Just for a while.” She added. “Don’t get me wrong, Cal, I’m really angry. You could have cost me all my valuables and I’m not in a position to be able to replace things that could have been stolen.” Lyla took a deep breath. “However, I need to be able to make rational decisions that aren’t fuelled by emotion and right now, I can’t do that.”

“Ok.” I said, letting out the breath I had been holding. I turned around and took a few steps before stopping and turning back to Lyla. “…Do you want me to lock the door?” My voice was soft, hesitant, the unfamiliar words curling around my tongue. 

Lyla shook her head, focused on her task and I walked back towards the door, not stopping this time until it had closed behind me.


	7. Chapter Six

I didn’t know how long I’d been standing there when I eventually started moving. I started walking down the street again but this time I moved with my head held up, shoulders hunched inwards. Keeping to the edge of the pathway, I ducked in and out of the shadows created by the shops overhanging the path.

It was nearly properly dark now, only the last remnants of light still clung to the horizon. The moon was full and bright, the Goddess smiling cheerfully down at the world, mocking my pain. I stopped walking, backing into an alleyway as nausea started to build in my stomach. 

Hunching over, I groaned, sinking onto the floor. My whole body ached, a pressure building up that seemed like it arose from no where. My head started to ache, bad. I pressed my eyes shut, trying to will away the pain but it kept building. Worse and worse it got, my entire body chorusing in a symphony of pain. Every warning sign in my body was screaming as loud as it could, but I was helpless. How do you fight something when you don’t even know what caused it? I tried to open my mouth, tried to cry out. I couldn’t. My body wasn’t obeying my commands. Panic rose in my gut, tears starting to run down my cheeks. 

My muscles gave out, body slowly sinking to the floor. I was still conscious, still in agony. The pressure in my head was still building, building, building. How long could it climb before something gave way? The cold cement dug against my body but I hardly noticed it. My eyes were open, my vision blurred. My throat ached from trying and failing to scream. I was going to die. I was going to die here, without knowing why or how. I was going to die without apologising to Lyla or finding out what happened to my parents. The realisation settled into my bones, a heavy feeling weighing down my body. 

My eyes started to close, the pain getting to much to bear. I forced myself to take a deep breath. At least I would be able to see my family. But then I saw something moved out of the corner of my eye and I forced my eyes open. Maybe someone was there, maybe they could help me. I didn’t have the strength left in my body to hold on much longer. The last thing I saw before my eyes slammed shut was a young man walking towards me. 

\---

I groaned, my body slowly kicking into gear. Everything ached, everything hurt. I pushed myself off the ground but paused. Something felt different. I looked up to see a young man standing in front of me, mouth wide open, a flabbergasted expression on his face and a rectangular shaped object held in his hand.

“What…?” I croaked, throat still raw from trying and failing to scream. 

I looked down at myself to see a blur. My body was changing forms so fast my eyes couldn’t keep up. My head throbbed as I stared, mouth agape and panic whirring through my bones. It was only then I remembered the boy and my head jerked up, all thoughts of pain put out of my head as I struggled to breath through the sheer panic. 

I didn’t stop to think. My body moved faster than my mind, working through the pain to stand up and run. I bolted as fast as I could with my chest feeling like it was about to burst from fear and my body trying to rip itself apart. My feet scurried to the other end of the alley, fleeing as fast as could. The only thought that went through my head was that I had to escape. I had to get away from that man. No one could know about me. No one could know. 

Without my brain in control of my movements, my legs took me to the only place they deemed safe. Lyla’s house. 

\---

The door swung open under my shaking hands and I stumbled over the landing, shutting the door behind me. Lyla looked up from where she was watching something on the TV and gasped at my bedraggled state. 

“What happened to you?” She asked, a worried strain to her voice. 

“I-I…I don’t know…It all happened so fast…”

Nonsense words fell out of my mouth as I debated what to say. My mind should have whirring, should have been trying to figure out how I could talk myself out of the situation I’d found myself in but it was quiet. Still. I stared at Lyla with blank eyes.

“Did you get mugged? I knew I should have warned you this was a dangerous neighbourhood.”

I didn’t move, not willing to look the gift horse she was providing me in the face but also not willing to lie. My hands were still shaking from the events of earlier, shock starting to set in. 

“Come sit down, you look like you might be going into shock.”

I followed Lyla numbly over to an over-stuffed armchair and sunk down into the cushions. All I wanted to do was close my eyes and sleep. Maybe if I closed my eyes, I could pretend this day never happened. It simultaneously felt like it had both gone on forever yet at the same time, it felt like I had just got out of bed. 

“Here have some tea.”

I shook my head but Lyla pushed the steaming up into my limp hands. “It’ll help.”

Shrugging, I tightened my fingers around the cup, too tired to argue. It was sweet, too sweet for my tastes but I continued sipping it anyway. 

Lyla leaned forwards. “Good?”

I nodded, taking another sip and carefully hiding my wince as the sickly sweet taste of the sugar hit my tongue. Lyla smiled and leant back, satisfied. 

“Oh! There was a call for you from some store. I don’t remember the name.”

Confusion flashed through me before a memory sparked. The store I applied for a job at. “What did they say?”

“Apparently you’ve been accepted into a job? Why didn’t you tell me you were applying for something?”

The elation that was flooding through my body disappeared as I was faced with Lyla’s questioning stare. It wasn’t accusatory but all the same, a knot appeared in my stomach and my hands automatically drifted to the hem of my shirt, fiddling with the loose threads. 

“I was going to…But I didn’t really have a chance…”

Lyla grimaced. “Yeah, about that, I was meaning to talk to you about earlier.”

I sucked in a breath, sitting up straighter as my muscles tensed in anticipation. 

“I understand that moving into a house after being homeless for a while is a big transition so on one hand I get why you forgot to lock the door. You simply weren’t used to having to do it every time you leave the house. But on the other hand, this is a dangerous neighbourhood as I’m sure you’ve realised.” She gestured to me before continuing. “Like I said, I understand why, but it can’t happen again.” Lyla finished, shaking her head. 

The breath I had been holding whooshed out in a rush as I slumped back in the armchair. 

“Ok.” I said, my voice wavering. “I can do that.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you enjoyed the chapter! Don't forget to drop a kudos, comment and subscribe for the next chapter!! Have a lovely rest of the day/night and stay safe!!


	8. Chapter Eight

‘Breaking News: A strange phenomena captured on screen for the first time. Could shapeshifters be real?’

Lyla laughed, drawing my attention from where I had been staring mindlessly at the wall. 

“I will never get sick of conspiracy theories. They make my day.”

I looked up, giving her a quizzical look. 

“Look.” She said, grabbing the TV remote and rewinding. 

A clip played, overlayed with a voice commenting and as I watched it, my eyes widened in horror. 

“What…”

“I know. Hilarious isn’t it? How can they think this stuff is actually real? It’s just stuff from a fairytale.”

I nodded but my mind was somewhere else, racing through all the possible implications of the news headline. Nausea rose in my gut as my brain flashed, each scenario worse than the last. 

“I-I’m going to go to sleep.”

Lyla shot me a sympathetic look, eyes still glued to the screen. “You must be so tired, I can tell it’s been an exhausting day. I’ll leave some food in the fridge if you get hungry.”

I nodded again, hightailing it to my room before I accidentally said something I wasn’t supposed to. Lying down, I propped my head on the pillow, staring at the wall. A lump arose in my throat, helplessness weighing down my body. I should have been doing something, anything to fix this but I didn’t even know what this was. 

I’d endangered all of my old home. If someone was to find out… My mind whipped to the stories of disappearances that plagued my childhood. I didn’t want to end up like that. 

A tear trickled down my cheek, followed by another one and then a torrent, flowing down my face as my body was wracked with silent sobs. My mind was blank, pent up emotion pouring from every pour. I wrapped my arms around myself, lowering myself down so I could curl into a ball. I didn’t know how long I lay there, whimpering but by the time the tears dried into salty lines, the sun had set and my stomach was growling. 

I paid it no mind, not moving. I buried my head further into my arms as anxiety began permeating my body once more. I shouldn’t have been crying. Crying was weakness. I knew that. So why had I done it? 

Everything that had happened since I’d made the decision to leave had caught up to me in an overwhelming tsunami, sweeping me off my feet and tossing me through the waves. I had no control. Maybe I never had. Either way, I had to be stronger now. There was no going back. 

I uncurled my body and lay facing the ceiling, watching as the fan whirled around and around and around. I was supposed to be stronger. But I didn’t feel that way. I was a broken piece of glass, mended but the cracks were still showing. Every time something happened, another crack opened wider. Every time something happened, I got closer and closer to breaking. 

Footsteps approached my door and I held still as they passed. Letting go of a breath I hadn’t known I was holding, a dry sob passed through my lips. I froze, ears peeled for any abnormal movement. Nothing. My muscles relaxed and I sat up, dropping my head against the bedhead with a soft thud. 

A knot grew in my throat, yearning to be let out, to be let out in a torrent of sound. What was I supposed to do now? I couldn’t figure anything out, my mind was caught up in knots. What was I supposed to do now? I couldn’t just wait but maybe I’d have to. What was I supposed to do now? I didn’t know.

Numbness infiltrated my body, ransacking my feelings, my emotions. There was no one I could talk to, no one that could help. I was caught up a web of lies of my own creation. I had been more happy the last few days than I could ever remember being but the closer I became to these people, the more that I felt alone. All the lies were catching up to me, faster than I could run. But why did I even try? It was useless to try and outrun a tsunami. 

\---

It took me a long time to fall asleep that night. The bed was too soft, too hard, the pillow too thick, too thin. At one stage, the tears started again, stemming from sheer frustration and tiredness but eventually I managed it. 

I woke up the next morning with a massive headache and immediately squeezed my eyes shut, wincing. My whole body ached, feeling like a day old bruise.

Lyla’s cheerful voice filtered through the door, announcing that breakfast was ready. I groaned, rolling over to stretch lazily. I rolled out of bed, glancing at my bed but ultimately deciding to leave it messy and unmade. It wasn’t like anyone else was going to enter the room I had claimed for my own. 

I got changed slowly, staring at a flowy-low-cut shirt for a few moments before acknowledging the writhing feeling in my stomach and sighing. I was really hoping today would be a girl day. Shaking my head, I pulled on a loose t-shirt and jeans and opened the door, emerging into the hallway and walking into the kitchen. Lyla was already sitting down, picking at something in a bowl. I got closer to see inside the bowl where pale, dry flakes were swimming in milk.

“Are you supposed to eat them with milk? There was nothing on the package.” I asked, sitting down. 

Lyla looked up, moth quirked in a smile. “Did you eat them plain?”

I nodded. “It was so dry.” I said, making a face at the remembrance. 

She laughed and I ducked my head, making a mental note to eat the cereal with milk next time. 

“What’s your plans for today? Do you know if you have to work?”

I shrugged. “I haven’t heard anything yet but I need to figure something out so I was thinking of looking for some information.”

Lyla nodded. “So you want to go to the library.” She summarised and I nodded, embarrased but taking note of the strange word. “There’s one not to far from here but you’ll need to take a bus. Have you taken one before?”

I shook my head and Lyla stood up, walking over to the kitchen counter and grabbing a pad of paper. 

“I’ll write down how to to get to the bus stop, what bus number to get,” She said slowly, scribbling as she spoke. “And what to look for so you get off at the right stop. There.” She said, handing it to me. “That should be everything.”

She checked the time on the small clock hanging on the wall and sighed. “I need to get to work.” She smiled at me. “Follow those instructions and you’ll be fine. Oh! And remind me to buy you a phone when you get home if you’re going to keep going out. Don’t forget to lock the door!”

I agreed easily, bidding her farewell as she stepped out the door. It only took me a few minutes to gather a few essentials and put them into a bag before I closed and carefully locked the door behind me. 

\--- 

I stopped walking, bending over with my hands on my knees. My breath wheezed as it escaped my lung and I pulled it a few deep ones, waiting for the exhaustion to recede. After a few moments, I looked to see the city spread out below, cornflower blue sky stretching as far as the eye could see. 

I tilted my head back, breathing in the fresh scent of pollen. A moment passed. I stood there, soaking in the tranquil atmosphere. A tickle arose in my throat and I sneezed, whole body rocketing forwards. I stayed in that position for a second before bursting out laughing, the peaceful moment shattered. Sound of joy erupted from my mouth, lips stretched as far as they could go, forming a grin. A feeling of pure happiness, of freedom settled over me. In that moment, I wasn’t worrying about the past, nor about the future. My mind was only on the present and it was the most freeing thing I had ever felt. 

Once I started walking again, it didn’t take me long to reach the bus stop. I looked down at the note in my hand, taking careful notice of the bus number I was supposed to catch before sitting down and starting to wait. 

A rectangular machine pulled up, boasting a large number on the front of it. I looked at it before squinting the paper in my hand. Was that a 7 or a 1? I couldn’t tell. The bus doors slid open.

“Are you getting on?” The bus driver yelled at me. 

I took one more hasty glance at the numbers scrawled on the note before shaking my head and climbing on the bus. It looked like the right number. 

The rumbling of the strange machine under me once I sat down was a curious sensation. I rested my head against the glass window but yanked back as my head started vibrating. Forcing myself to relax, I watched as the bus trundled through the streets, taking me further and further away from Lyla’s house, the only place I was familiar with in this world.

My eyes were wide as the streets moved by. The small, cramped houses that all looked the same eventually gave way to larger estates surrounded by greenery. The bus stopped occasionally and people climbed in and out. I watched with awe as every time it stopped, the bus started moving again. Did this world never end? 

The bus stopped again, this time in front of a large flat area spotted with numerous other buses. The remaining few passengers stood up and disembarked. I watched them go, eyebrows furrowed. I wasn’t supposed to get off yet. 

The bus driver stood up, turning around to look at me. 

“This is the last stop, missy. If you don’t get off now, you never will.” He called, a joking lilt to his voice and a grin adorning his face. 

I automatically smiled in return, reaching next to me to grab my belongings but confusion was still ringing through my mind, starting to turn into panic. 

“Ah, I think I might be lost.” I said as I approached the driver. 

He looked up at me from where he was noting something done and nodded. “Where did you need to go?”

“The library.” I said and his face creased in thought. 

“I don’t suppose you know which library?” 

I shook my head, heartbeat echoing in my ears. “Oh!” I exclaimed, rummaging through my bag. “My friend gave me a list of things to look out for so I’d know which stop to get off at. Maybe you know them…”

Grabbing the scrap of paper, the bus driver squinted at it for a moment before his forehead smoothed over. 

“I see what happened.” He glanced at me. “You mistook a one for a seven so if you go across the road and catch this same bus number back to the stop where you got in, and then catch the 763, the library should be maybe fours stops down. Don’t quote me on that though, I haven’t driven that route in a while.” 

I nodded in thanks, exiting the bus and walking across the other side of the road to the bus stop. It didn’t take long before it arrived and I settled onto a seat with a sign. I dozed most of the way as the bus made its way back towards Lyla’s house, the rhymic sounds of cars whooshing past lulling me into a meditative trance. My head lulled forwards, the sleeplessness of the previous night catching up to me. 

A loud honk of the horn and I was awake, looking around wildly, trying to catalogue where abouts I was. Nothing seemed familiar and I stood up in a panic, walking as fast as I could towards the driver. 

“Where…” I started to ask but the driver waved me off, his moustache bristling. 

“I’m driving! Wait till I’ve stopped.”

I acknowledged the command with a dip of my head, moving back a few steps and waiting until the next stop to ask my question.

He sighed. “Two more stops.”

I thanked him before moving back to sit down. 

Ten minutes passed before my stop came and then it was another twenty minutes before I finally approached the library. I looked at it with an air of apprehension. The building was small, with most of the exterior paint having peeled way. I double checked my instructions. I was definitely in the right place.

Reaching out, I pushed the door and it opened with an ominous creak.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Welp I'm back and procrastinating on schoolwork by writing this novel (It feels so weird to call it that I don't know why). 
> 
> Anyway, here's the new chapter. I'm working on writing consistently but I'm in my final year of high school (If there are any other aussies out there - the HSC is gross, let's complain together) so I probably won't be updating consistently. That being said, I will do my best. I want to have this finished by the end of the year so yeah.
> 
> I hope you enjoyed! As usual, drop a kudos, subscribe if you want to know when I update and drop a comment to tell me what I did well/what I can improve on. PS I just got a bad mark on one of my assessments so pleaseee be nice, I'm kinda bummed. 
> 
> Also PS stands for post script and I did not know that. On that random note, I will apologise for my rambling, thank whoever made it this far and leave to procrastinate on schoolwork further. Have a lovely day/night where ever you are!

**Author's Note:**

> This story is being written for NaNoWriMo so it is an unedited first draft, however it will be updated frequently. I do apologise for any grammar or spelling mistakes but it won't be fixed until after this novel is finished so please, be warned. In other news, don't forget to drop a kudos and a comment to tell me what you liked/didn't like and how I can improve. 
> 
> Also please let me know if you can think of a better name, I am seriously out of ideas. I hope you enjoyed this first chapter!


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